Glorious Days
Beautiful Moments
My mom's last days. Augustina Lapuz turned 94 years old, much to her surprise, on Dec 24, 2022.
These glorious days start on that day with some moments recorded from before.
So many more times than I can count I will bring her food and in the past days, I will feed her when she has been too weak. Despite her weakened state she will always ask, “You?” or "Ikaw?" meaning, have you eaten? When will you eat? What will you eat? She asks this before she will accept a bite. Always she thinks of me first.
A few months ago, I had told my mom that I was grateful that she is my mom. I needed her to know that she did a good job. I wanted her to go out of this life feeling satisfied and fulfilled as a mother and woman. I didn't want her to feel regret or guilt over things she had to do that she wished she had done differently. I wanted her to be happy with her life.
October 28 – Friday after coming home from Aaron’s to see the girls. She collapsed. I told her what I have always wanted to tell her, that I am proud to be her daughter, that she is a good mother and that she has always put everyone’s needs before her own.
The week before Christmas I had a whiteboard conversation with her. I told her I was sorry that my dad gave her such a hard time, that she did a great job even though my dad was a hooligan. I saw a stress and strain that I didn’t know was in her countenance melt away and she was left with peace. It was a weight that left her soul. I hope she felt the peace she needed from that moment.
12/24/2022
Aaron and his whole family came to wish her happy birthday with a framed picture of the wee ones, homemade bday cards and a small cake so she can blow out a candle.
We took mom to a movie that she was barely able to sit through. I made her as comfortable as possible. Then we went for a drive to see the Christmas lights even though she probably couldn’t see very well. At home we had a simple dinner she could handle and her cake which she enjoyed! I love seeing her happy face of thanks when I give her a treat. At the end of the evening she said, “That was the best birthday I have ever had. Thank you for taking the time to be with me.” She had a sweet look of love and true gratitude on her countenance. All of her time with us we had children and so this was the first time we able to dedicate the day to celebrating her birthday for that amount of time.
12/25/2022
When we first arrived she was disappointed because the children did not greet her with the enthusiasm they have done so in the past. They were excited about Christmas and mom was looking different than she used to. Eventually they warmed back up to her, gave her thank you hugs when they opened the dolls she wanted me to get them from her. They were very happy and that made her happy.
She accidentally spilled the apple cider at the Christmas dinner table and felt so bad. Everyone was patient and kind to her. I hugged her and let her know it was ok. A little while later, she went into my wallet, took some money out and quietly gave it to Aaron and Brittany. She always wants to give something.
I talked with her when we got home because she seemed sad. She felt that the girls did not like her anymore. I reminded her that we have been gone for a long time and she looks a little different. It will take them a little time to get used to her again. I reminded her that they are children and that she must not let them hurt her feelings. She seemed to feel better and she said, "Sana sa akin and isipin mo." That means, I would like to have your mind set.
12/30/2022
On this day she collapsed while we were walking to her chair, I accidentally bruised her ribs trying to hoist her up. Her walking is not good and she is not always coherent. She has only been having liquids but still was taking medications.
Whiteboard conversation:
I asked mom if it was time, she said no. I asked her if she is going to get better and she said yes. I think she was just trying to help me feel better.
12/31/2022
Mom did not want food or much to drink or medications starting at noon when I woke her up. It was a lot of tears for me. Liz came to support me and let me talk things out and get out all my regrets and sadness and bittersweet feelings that came flooding out with the tears. I was falling apart as I was told several times that once they refuse to eat or take medicine then you know it is near the end. I texted my children hoping for some support, some comfort. Eventually, I texted Liz at 12:54pm, asked is she was busy. When she asked if she could help me I simply responded, “I am falling apart.” She came right over. When she walked in I fell into her arms and she held me tight, let me cry and let me voice all my feelings of regret that I had gotten Covid and that I was not able to take care of my mom very well. She let me talk it all out. Her first words were strong and firm. She told me that I had done a very good job, that my mom had told her over and over how blessed she is that I have been taking care of her and that she was grateful for me. She encouraged me to be strong for mom now and that I can do this. She had all the right words for me to ease my mind and help me face what was ahead. I said, “there is not easy way out of this, it is going to be painful and difficult” to which she agreed.
She sat with me while I sat next to my mom and let me talk about anything and everything that I needed to say. She let me cry over and over with each emotion that I needed to process and each memory that I wanted to share. So much came flooding out of me for the next several hours.
Eventually, Liz asked if she could let Christie know. Christie was over soon after and mom greeted her kindly, warmly. They shared some love as mom did with Liz. I felt comforted by their presence and offers of meals for the next week from Christie as RS president. Christie left after her kind visit.
In between all that we tried to talk to Hospice, eventually talked to three of their nurses who shared their pieces of counsel on how to care for mom. I was waiting for someone to come be with me, to guide me. One nurse said, "the family is the best ones to care for their loved ones at the end, if there is distress then we will come." And so it is up to me. Then I realized I needed to pray for help, to listen carefully to the spirit and to trust myself although carefully. All arrogance is gone from me now.
Aaron was the first to facetime and let the wee ones say I love you to GG. Aaron was on the phone when Liz arrived and I spilled my heart. We loved seeing the beautiful faces of the wee ones and my dear son was kind to tell me he loved me. I had to call my brother. Amanda facetimed and we cried together. Mom thought she was Cassie and Amanda said to let her think that.
Liz continued to sit with me. She knew we would need to change my mom as it had been a few hours but mom was kind of agitated and in pain and wouldn’t take pain killer. Eventually she agreed to take Tylenol. Liz recommended that I take a shower while she watched mom. Saul picked us up some food. It was 4pm and we had not eaten all day. We all three ate in the living room.
My mom made herself sit up and wanted her walker. We brought her out, Liz and I and sat her down. It was hard. But she said, she just wanted to see me. She has said this multiple times, over the years. She will make supreme efforts to walk to wherever I am when she wants to see me.
Liz had helped me get her changed in the living room. We sat on either side of mom for a bit, talking and sharing life stories. We had started to share our young adult life stories, how we met our spouses. At some point, Mom looked over at me and said quietly, “I love you.” And said, “I love you too.”
After a while mom wanted to go to bed. Liz helped me move her and get her settled, clean and comfortable.
Liz left sometime before 6pm. She said for me to call her anytime, any day.
Saul had been talking to Laura, Ric’s wife. Together we bought my brother a flight to come see his mom. I later told my mom he was coming, and she was excited.
She is coughing now and then, that hurts me, her eye is so red, that hurts me, she is so tiny now, that hurts me, I feel her skin clinging more closely to her head and that hurts me. I tried to lay down next to her as she had asked me to a few weeks ago but I was afraid I was too big and heavy to be next to her little body. But she wasn’t there anymore to receive my comfort. She was in pain. I wish for just a few more moments to help her feel better, to keep her comfortable and to ease the pain somehow. I want to help her feel peace, to feel loved and to know that she lived a very very good life.
I stayed there for a few minutes, remembering how she said she had to go back to work when I was just a week old and it made her cry. Thinking of when she suffered hallucinations, seeing me walking in the park, when I was in the Philippines living with my grandparents. We had been torn away from each other by circumstances twice in my young life. I wanted to be with her then, almost, as if I was an infant, needing to bond and be comforted by being right next to mom while we slept. But it was not comfortable for her and I quietly left. Instead I eventually moved my bed right next to hers and this is where we spent the night.
I am going to miss her so much.
Eventually it was just her and I in the room and she spoke. “I am not crazy, you know.” I said, “I know mom, you are still here, and you are smart.” She gave a face that said, “Yes, I am.” She is still a fighter in there.
A few times this evening she said over and over, “Lord, help me.” I pray He does.
I continued contacting other family through the early evening, talking to my Tita Naila who said hello to my mom which made her smile. Tita Naila said for me to tell her all the good things I want to tell her repeatedly during out last days together. I told her how I had said to mom that she was a good mom and she said for me to repeat that over and over and to greet her with lots of love every time. This was the happiest counsel I received and just what I needed to feel like I can bear what is ahead.
I let my cousins know. I must tell her of their love.
1/1/2003
I had moved my bed next to hers so that I could easily comfort her with a touch through the night without having to get up. I also wanted to be next to her as much as possible from that moment on.
She had agreed to a pain pill a short while after getting into bed. She was clean, thanks to Liz’s help before she left us to take care of her husband, our good friend, Ken. We had settled in comfortably. I had a prayer with Saul and we talked for awhile, got ready for bed. We went to bed sometime after 10pm.
I was in bed, with one hand on my mom, either holding her hand or my hand on her shoulder.
Sometime around 11:45pm I heard her say, “Maginaw”. It is cold. I found her another blanket and was putting it on her when she opened her arms, put her hands on my face to pull my forehead to her lips to give me a light kiss. Then she said, “Happy New Year”. I laughed and said, “You remembered!” Because I had forgotten. She smiled and was happy. We got settled back down and she said, “Magdamag akong hindi natutulog.” This means, I have been awake all night. I put an eye covering on her (not the tape because that is just too uncomfortable) and she fell asleep. In a few hours she took it off but was able to sleep.
A bit after 4:00am she woke up and said she was hungry. I asked if she wanted oatmeal and she said yes so I got her some. She had a few spoonfuls, some sips of water and was done. I was somewhat pleased that she was still doing life.
I was able to sleep for a few hours before and after her 4am snack. It is 7:08am now. I have been editing and writing this record of moments.
Mom woke up a few minutes ago. I smiled at her and told her I loved her. She said “I love you too.” She is sleeping quite comfortably. Her eye does not look as bad and they are both almost all the way closed. Another time she woke up and said, “Where are we going to sleep?” I motioned, “right here” and we laughed a little. I think that she is joking with me.
Some moments she just babbles words and I just acknowledge her pleasantly. Her brain is going in and out on her. I will try to record as much of the moments as I can as they occur starting now. I want to be fully present with her until the very end.
I have been praying for the knowledge and guidance to know how to keep her as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Many times, now, since yesterday, I will simply stroke her forehead or smooth her hair and try to relay to her my calm, my peace, until I see her relax. That makes me feel very good. Liz said and the spirit reminded me several times since that her body is changing, her body is done. Then, I am here to help her through those changes. I decided last night that I will stay right next to her through every moment of the change that I can, no matter how difficult, that I am going to be completely and fully with her through it. I will help her not to be afraid.
Anna, Saul’s sister, who I talked to before my shower, has been with many who have passed in her job. She reminded me of how beautiful it will be for my mom to go home, where she will be very happy and out of pain. That always feels like a dagger in my heart. I am not there yet. But I do love the words to this song which made me cry at the thought of my mom when I first heard it a few years ago:
With your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory’s side
And fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live
(Song: Come to Jesus by Kenneth Cope)
Those may be the bittersweet strains that will bleed out of me when that time comes.
But for now, it will be about being present with mom, enjoying her while she is here, talking with her if she can, reminding her of how loved she is by all, and focusing on how she is feeling, what she needs and staying on this one last ride with her.
I hope I find a way to make these days glorious for us.
1/1/2023
She slept until around 2:30pm when she woke up and said she was hungry. She asked for Panda which we had so I heated some up for her and squeezed some orange juice. She took about 5 bites and drank almost all of the juice. Then she had to go #2 so I helped her onto the commode. While I was wiping her she lost all her energy. I carefully got her back on the bed, dressed and comfortable. She napped. At around 4pm she wanted to get up. I got her to the chair and she took a little more drink. She had to continue her bowel movement. I carefully got her onto the commode. She is a nurse and knew how to manually empty her bowels. She was impacted but she got it all out. I watched in wonder as she did that then got her cleaned up and safely into a clean diaper and onto the chair. She had a few more sips of drink. Eventually she was ready to go to bed. The most important lesson for us today was she learned that she could allow me to carry her and she didn’t need to hold on to anything else but me. Her instinct is to hold onto a chair rail or the walker handle but that doesn’t work anymore. If she let me embrace her and she embraces me back we can move as one and my strength will carry us both to where we need to be. Now she knows she can ask me to take her anywhere and we will get there. There is no need to fear.
Sometime in the afternoon I told her I think I will become a nurse. She listened ( she was sitting on the commode at the time). I asked her if she thinks I am too old. She said, no and shook her head. I told her maybe I would work with babies. Pause. Then I said, maybe maternity, helping moms have babies. She said, “Maternity” in seeming agreement, like that was a good idea. I have been thinking about nursing for awhile. Right now it feels like a way to stay connected to her and to make her happy.
She sat comfortably in her chair until early evening. We had The Chosen on tv. Comforting. Then Saul prepared and administered the Sacrament to us. When I told her what we were going to do she was very much in agreement. She still knows the Sacrament and knows she needs it. Soon after she asked to be put to bed. Again, that was a gentle time and she was able to rest.
Me: I love you mom.
Mom: Iwawu
1/2/2023
6:45am
Mom: What time is it?
Me: 6:45am
Mom has been breathing a little differently. I had been holding her close as the dawn approached. I remind her that Ric is coming this evening and ask her if she will be ok, if she can wait for him. She nods her head and goes back to sleep.
Mom: What are we going to do today?
Me: What do you want to do?
Mom: -------(sleeping)
I continue downloading her bank statements from PenFed. I don’t know if I will need them. To me, they represent her giving her all for us to the very end.
I tried to ask her what kind of funeral arrangements she would like. The only thing I got clear from her was cremation. She didn’t care if she was buried by my dad or if her ashes stayed with me. She didn’t care what clothes to be cremated in. And she has no opinions about the service. This means she had no answer for those questions.
I asked her:
Me: Mom, is there anything you would like me to do after you have passed?
Mom: Take care of yourself.
I am holding her and kissing her forehead. I want to lay down next to her but that might be too uncomfortable for her and would only be for me. I don’t want to take from her right not, I want to give to her. So, I just wrap my arms around her as she lay sleeping. My head is on hers and I feel her breath and try to feel calm with her.
Me: Mom, You are beautiful.
Mom: (waves away, she doesn’t accept those compliments with a smile)
Me: When I was little (she nods) you were my hero.
Mom: (quick smile)
Me: I thought you were very brave and smart.
Mom: (smile)
Me: I wanted to be like you.
Mom: (smile and turns her face towards me)
Me: Do you want to answer some questions?
We try a few – she gives me one-word answers – Her dad was “strict”, Her first jobs was at a “small hospital”, Her favorite subject in high school was “Geometry” (she thought about that for a moment). What makes you happy? “babies, taking care of babies” (this one I did not know)
Mom: I have two kids, right?
Me: Yes
Mom: You and your brother.
Me: Yes
Me: I am so glad we had all this time together.
Mom: Yes, me too (this was clear and firm, some answers are not as much, this was and I felt it).
I wanted a video so I set up my phone then said:
Me: Mom (she looks up earnestly at the phone, eyes wide) I love you.
Mom: I love you
Then she said she was hungry. I asked her if she wanted oatmeal. That was a yes. I brought her a small portion which she almost finished. She drank half of the fresh squeezed orange juice with sugar (had to add a little more as it wasn’t sweet enough). Then she needed to go #2.
We did that quite well, but it does wear her out. We got cleaned up and back in bed smoothly and she is deep asleep now. (I am going to take care of myself and clean up house a little. My brother is coming tonight. I also must start trying to fill our spare room so we can have some rent coming in. Trying not to worry but we will need some income as I am not working full time and mom’s aid will end when she passes. I do need to prepare.)
1/2/2023 4:40am
Yesterday
Sometime in the afternoon I told her I think I will become a nurse. She listened ( she was sitting on the commode at the time). I asked her if she thinks I am too old. She said, no and shook her head. I told her maybe I would work with babies. Pause. Then I said, maybe maternity, helping moms have babies. She said, “Maternity” in seeming agreement, like that was a good idea. I have been thinking about nursing for awhile. Right now it feels like a way to stay connected to her and to make her happy. So, I am not sure. But I know I will need to do something with the rest of my life after I have completed my time with mom.
She slept until around 2:30pm when she woke up and said she was hungry. She asked for Panda which we had so I heated some up for her and squeezed some orange juice. She took about 5 bites and drank almost all of the juice. Then she had to go #2 so I helped her onto the commode. While I was wiping her she lost all her energy. I carefully got her back on the bed, dressed and comfortable. She napped. At around 4pm she wanted to get up. I got her to the chair and she took a little more drink. She had to continue her bowel movement. I carefully got her onto the commode. She is a nurse and knew how to manually empty her bowels. She was impacted but she got it all out. I watched in wonder as she did that then got her cleaned up and safely into a clean diaper and onto the chair. She had a few more sips of drink. Eventually she was ready to go to bed. The most important lesson for us today was she learned that she could allow me to carry her and she didn’t need to hold on anything else but me. Her instinct is to hold onto a chair rail or the walker handle but that doesn’t work anymore. If she let me embrace her and she embraces me back we can move as one and my strength will carry us both to where we need to be. Now she knows she can ask me to take her anywhere and we will get there. There is no need to fear.
A few times yesterday she asked where I would be sleeping and I reassured her I would be right next to her. I am on my folding next right next to hers. We are inches away from each other.
She has not woken up at all since I put her to bed. I woke up around 2am. My first thoughts were of regret, feeling like it was my fault that she is at the end of life, or some stress she experienced in Hawaii which started her eye infection that has never gone away. I was in personal distress, like drowning. I felt the beginning of deep grief thinking of losing her, not having her with me as I have for so many years. I was on a spiral down. I tried to remember the inspiration I received in my prayer the night before.
I began my prayer with, “I am grateful for my mom….” and the spirit took it from there.
“I have given you your mother for 94 years that you may come to be grateful for her and know that she was the best mother for you.” Impressions and understandings of our life together came together in my mind and heart as the spirit taught me who we are to each other. Her example has been etched into my soul with storyboard images from moments that represent lessons I will keep when she is no longer here in the flesh.
She always identified herself as a nurse. I used to wish she were more like a mom. But she has lived more brightly as a mom in her dedication and loyalty to me, to my children and our grandchildren. She often talked about her missions and was so proud that she had gone on three of them and if she had not broken her leg she would have gone on more. But she gave all she had to me, to those she loved. The Wednesday before she stopped taking medications, I sent the last tuition payment for Amanda’s degree. Her commitment was to pay for her grandchildren’s college. She complained each time we had sweet potatoes because she had too many of them as a child in the Philippines during the war. But she was instrumental in the survival of her family when as that child she would harvest leftover sweet potatoes from a nearby field, keep some and sell some so she could buy other provisions to feel her family for the day. She was not aware of the true nobility of her life.
These thoughts were lifting me out of my downward spiral. My mind and heart were searching for a way to go up but still be real. I didn’t want to patch up my mind with platitudes. I needed something solid that could sustain me. I was starting to feel more inspired but knew I needed more because I was still going to have to face her leaving me.
I found a couple of talks on death, the first one was by a young President Nelson, “The Doors of Death”. Another one was by Paul V. Johnson called, “And There Shall Be No More Death.” President Nelson reminded me that death is part of the plan. Brother Johnson reminded me that death is not permanent. The Savior suffered a painful and difficult death but has risen. Others have testified of seeing the resurrected Savior and the beauty of that image means my mom will also be resurrected into a beautiful being. I will see her again as this beautiful being and embrace her and we will be immortal together. The small moments of deep connection that we have had here will be the quality of our eternal life.
This reminds me of a dream I had of her before she moved in with us. I saw her sitting regal and tall with a beautiful head of black and white hair with her arm outs on the back of the bench around children, several of them.
My thoughts went to here now. Next to me her body is in a process of returning home. In my mind’s eye I imagined that all around her right now is a team of angel physicians overseeing the physical processes to keep her out of pain, to help her accept the physical changes that will eventually end and her spirit will be released. I felt blessed to be here right under this team of angels, catching some of their heavenly dust as it falls on me in the vicinity. Heavenly Father reassured me that she is in His care. I have cared for her all these years and now He is taking over. He said to me, “you did not cause her to start to die, I am allowing her to begin to return to me.” Then I felt His love and approval of me, that I had done the very best I could to take care of His precious daughter. I felt His love for me and His blessing. “You shall have her forever, and not just her but more, others, because you have loved her soul and not held back in caring for her all this long while.”
Oh, my dearest mom. No one will ever love me like you have. You were my connection to God’s love here on earth. And when you leave I must learn to have even more faith that God loves me because you will not be physically visible to make me feel it.
But I think I will be remembering and putting together your story and learning from your life even more profoundly after you go. Yes, I think I will have a lot to treasure. I will build my life after you with the materials you leave behind, your example, your life, your values and character, your spirit.
What a privilege it has been to watch you become prepared to go home, to see you learn grace and to be live out multiple iterations of forgiveness although you never verbalized it. Over and over I have watched you continue in kindness, to make the generous choice and live without bitterness. Over and over I have seen you choose to put the needs of others before your own. All the while having the fire of inteliigence and spark of indignation if needed.
You went to church every Sunday until the end because till the very end you feared God and knew you had need of his mercy.
I live out the rest of my days not being just me but being you and me. WE will love my children and grandchildren. WE will serve others and ease pain and suffering. WE will live the courageous, altruistic and noble life with dignity that is part of our nature. WE will live on burning through this life into a glorious forever.
I remember a few months back we were talking about my brother and the abuse he suffered at the hands of my father. You felt bad. The next day was Sunday and I could feel how much you needed to go to church and the penitence with which you made your way in spite of how difficult it was physically. I realized what righteous fear of God meant. You taught me that. It wasn’t your fault that my father was abusive. But you felt sorrow that your dear son suffered so and you needed God’s mercy for that and you pulled yourself to Sacrament meeting in hopes of it.
I tried to provide compensatory blessings to you, mom. I knew you missed out on being with your babies so I shared mine with you. I knew you worked so hard to provide for others and I tried to provide for you. I knew you needed righteousness in your life and I tried to help you experience through being at church and the temple. I tried to add joy to your life by letting you do what made you feel fulfilled – washing dishes, sweeping the floor, and paying for things like birthday dinner or gifts.
You have never been worldly which was hard to understand at first. Then again, I remember you telling me that there was a period in your life when you thought wordly things mattered then you gave it up. I think it was when you were earning a lot as a nurse and saw other nurses indulging in material things. You said you thought the same way for awhile but you realize it was no the way to live. You knew better and you lived out the rest of you life that way.
1/2/2023
Mom was up and motivated. She had oatmeal for breakfast. Had a long nap. Before she went to sleep I asked her what she would like to eat. We settled on adobo which Saul made. Mid-afternoon she woke up and wanted to get up. I wheeled her out to her chair and she ate her entire dinner of adobo, rice and tomatoes. We sat in the living room, watched a movie and waited for my brother to arrive around 9:45pm – 10:00pm. Saul picked him up. Mom thought I was going to pick him up with Saul but I would not do that. I could not leave her.
She was so happy to see him, good smile on hugs and love. We sat together for a little while, took a couple of pictures. Then mom said she was ready for bed. I got her settled in. Ric went to say good night to her in her bed.
We made Ric some adobo and we had a nice visit before settling him in the twin bed in the family room. Mom made sure I was in the room with her and Ric was just outside the room. She was pleased with that arrangement.
1/3/2023
Mom had some breakfast in her bed. She asked me to lay down next to her which I did. Then she said, “Ric is here now, you are together, I can go. I want to go.” I just stayed with her and tried to comfort her while falling apart inside. After a while Ric took over and snuggled her for a nap together.
I kept telling her I love her, every chance. She would say, “I love you too,” or “I love you more.” Each time it was so comforting for me – and I am sure for her too. We took care of her needs. She did eat a few more times that day. We were able to smash her antiviral pill and she took it with pudding (has been working like a charm since).
We had a good day together. Talking and lots of love for mom. My brother and I talked about mom and all she went through and how much we feel for her. It was healing and tender.
In the late afternoon all three of us held hands. Mom was asleep in her bed and we were both holding her and each other. We talked. Ric told me that mom is healthy, that she is going to have a peaceful and comfortable ending. He said there are so many who have a terrible end, but that is not this. Mom is comfortable and well cared for, she is clean and nourished. She is loved and not alone. He forbade me to regret having gotten Covid and struggled to take care of mom while I was sick. His strength was the emotional support I needed.
He told me that I am going a good job. We talked of when his mother-in-law passed and how hard it was to care for her but that after it was all over Laura was fine. He reminded me that I will be ok. And the most important thing he told me was that I will be able to handle her passing, that I will be strong because I have no other choice. His confidence and strength gave me courage and something to stand on. I can still feel his strength and feel myself borrowing from it.
Sleep came and early the next morning he left to go back home. My mom was quiet saying goodbye. She was so happy to see him. I can still see her smile when he climbed into bed with her. She was so happy, as if she had been given an immense treat.
1/4/2023 (early morning inspiration – have mom exercise before getting out of bed – inhale while doing the theraband with her arms, theraband on legs and bridging – we started that day)
Mom woke up and told me first thing that she loved me. Then she said, “I love you very very much.” She was awake and alert while eating breakfast (oatmeal). She wanted to talk about sending me to the Philippines.
First, she talked about when I was a baby. The doctor who delivered me took me around with him while he did his rounds to his other patients. She told me how the student nurses would fight over who would take care of me when she took me to work (which she did when I was just a week old until I was a few months old). She told me how her family was so upset when she sent me away to the Philippines. My grandpa told her that if she could not take care of her children that she should give me to him, and he will take care of me. He was mad at her the whole time I was in the Philippines.
Looking back at it all she said,” I don’t know why everyone wanted to take you away from me.”
She said that my grandma had been asking to have me and that having me was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her.” Mom said that they didn’t like her at first and she wanted to make her happy.
(I know that it was only supposed to be for one year, but my grandma couldn’t give me up. Mom even sent a plane ticket, but they would not let me fly alone. I even remember my grandma becoming very emotional about mom asking for me to return to America.)
I told mom that it was good for me to be in the Philippines. I learned a lot. My mom’s face relaxed into relief. She must have been carrying that regret for years. I was so glad to see the tension melt away from her. That must have been all she needed to hear. I told her that I went to church. I learned about Jesus Christ and how to speak Tagalog. I told her there was a lot of good people there and I had fun and had friends. I told her my grandma was very good to me. Mom said, she knows. Then she went to sleep. I loved hearing her tell me the story of when I was a baby.
We had a virtual visit with Dr. Brissey to discuss mom’s pain in her ribs. Dr. Brissey did not think my mom was at the end of life and treated her as if she was going to recover. That gave me hope. She prescribed an anti-inflammatory cream and vitamin D. I got those later in the day.
I was so grateful for Dr. Brissey.
1/5/2023 (order her some calcium supplement to build bone which I did)
Mom was very sleepy. She slept most of the day. She told me that maybe we should just stay here and rent out the house in Hawaii. She had been thinking about that - trying to solve that problem. Before that day she would ask when we were going back to Hawaii. She also asked if Eduardo could come here and get a job here. She is still trying to figure out life, our lives.
She asked why we bought a house in Hawaii. I told her we needed a single-story place and I wanted a place that I can go back to.
Khaila, Donna’s daughter, came with her boyfriend, Christian. Mom had been in bed all day. Their visit motivated her to get up and sit in her chair. We had dinner together. Mom ate very little that day but she had oatmeal (she was confused at the time of day, it was 5pm but she had been asleep all day so she thought it was morning). Then she had a little adobo when we were having it with Khaila and Christian. They sat with her, talked with her and Khaila even helped me get her up. She took care of mom when we were in SF in June and Mom stayed with Grace. Khaila lives with Grace’s family. They stayed for 3 hours and it was a sweet visit. They were loving and kind to Mom. Khaila gave mom love and told her she loved her. It was such a blessing.
Before that Liz had dropped by, also gave mom some love while she lay in bed very drowsy. It was funny when Khaila came, I asked mom if she wanted to get up and she said, “lasing pa ako.” That means, “I am still drunk.”
She went to bed as soon as they left. So tired.
I found a multivitamin (natural) I could put in the pudding and mom was able to take it. She had started on the vit D the day previous.
1/6/2023 (early to rise to invigorate the body – so going to work on helping her up early if possible)
Mom and I had a nice day together. Saul worked from home. We had a normal day of three meals. Mom was concerned why Saul was not at work, haha. She worries about the breadwinner situation and probably wonders if I need to go to work. She finally asked him when I was on an errand why he wasn’t at work on Saturday (1/7) and he said it was Saturday!
Back to Friday – we watched Top Gun – action movies keep her alert. In the afternoon she wanted to watch a Filipino movie which we did. She had oatmeal, green beans for lunch and dinner with fresh mango. Her eye was looking better and hopefully not giving her pain.
She liked listening to peaceful music while she napped in bed.
It was a good day together. “I love you” here and there. I always sit with her while she eats and sometimes hold her hand so she can be encouraged to keep eating. She went to bed a little too early (6pm) and was not able to sleep right away. But I was close by and answered her when she called. Lots of love and reassurance. I just want her to feel safe and loved and not alone.
1/7/2023
Saul was home doing tasks. I did a little house cleaning. Mom had a good day. She was up and ate all her meals, medicine, and vitamins. Her ribs don’t hurt anymore. But she has a hard time holding her body up and she can’t stand alone (not since 12/29). She even finished all her oatmeal. She went to bed around 7pm and was comfortable and content. It was another good day together. I put on a Doris Day movie in the evening hoping she can relate and would enjoy it. She went to bed before it ended but that’s ok.
She has asked when we are going to have visits – she meant Donna. I told her they are coming next week on Wednesday – Donna, Ann, Grace, Donna’s girls and Auntie Ely. I hope they manage ok. Mom is worried about Auntie Ely – “kawawa naman si Ely.” I also reminded her that Aaron will be here on Sunday with the girls.
She even had hot chocolate before dinner and drank almost the whole cup. It was a good day for nutrition. I gave her fresh watermelon juice with her dinner and she drank it all.
We hold hands a lot while sitting. Lots of love and hugs now and then. I give her all the hugs she wants. Kisses and “I love you.” She tells me that several times a day.
1/8/2023
Mom felt cold when she woke up. I think it’s because she was good and wet from having a lot of fluid the day before. That is a good problem to have. We got changed and sat in her chair. She ate all the eggs, drank the orange juice and we had her medication. Sometime after she ate she sat forward, held her hands together and bowed her head. I asked if she was ok. She said she was. I asked if she was praying and she said she was.
It is really funny when she calls me close and says very quietly, “I have to poop.” We are good at getting that done now.
She held my hand and rubbed it and told me she loved me. She kissed me on the forehead. It felt like she didn’t want to leave me. She wanted to hang on and stay with me as much as possible.
She asked to go to bed so we got her there. She seemed to be fading. I asked her if she felt like she was fading and she said yes. I asked her if I can do anything for her, to let me know how I can help her be more comfortable. She said just to be next to her. I told her I would be right here. That is where I am, on the fold a bed just a couple of feet away from her, writing about our glorious days together.
Aaron will be here this afternoon – he will come early so the girls can play outside. We will have dinner together. I am so grateful for this.
1/9-1/11/2023
We have had some almost routine days. At any other time in life they would not be routine. But when events and tasks become a regular part of the day then it feels like routine.
I wait for her to wake up. I warm up a small wet towel in the microwave so I can put it on her eyes. The objective was to make taking the stickers I place on her eyes the night before comfortable as possible. The last few days she still says it hurts. So sorry. I keep the towel on after I take to stickers off to soothe her eyes and skin. Then come the eye cleaning and eye drops. We change her diaper, cleaning as best as possible, change clothes if they are wet. Then I rub lotion on her arms and legs. Some days when she is up to it we do a little movement in bed with a theraband, deep breaths and some bridging. The last three days she has not felt up to it. She hasn't been sleeping well so she is too sleepy in the morning.
1/12/2023
Today, as I rubbed her legs (to which she somewhat protests, as if her skin is sensitive) to help circulation I thought how skinny her legs have become. I know she doesn't like her skinny legs and they are even skinnier now. But as I rubbed her legs I thought how beautiful those legs are that have run to the aid of her patients when they call or are coding or are in need, all those years and all those people she cared for. Beautiful legs. Then I rubbed her arms, hands, and thought of how beautiful they are and how they cared for so many patients, starting IV's, administering medication, holding hands of patients while they pass. Those hands and arms have served and sacrificed all her life as she worked from the time she was a child to help support her family. I changed her gown and got her settled, rubbed her head and tried to give her comfort. What a good life she had lived and her whole body felt sacred and precious to me. I was no longer afraid of caring for her physical body when her spirit leaves as it will be a holy vessel, precious, beautiful that I have the privilege of tending to for the very last time.
As I watched her drift to a tired sleepy state I thought of the gift I have been given to be have been able to observer her life almost in its entirety. How amazing is it to have watched her live with purpose and follow the goodness inside of her relentlessly until the end. I thought of how Heavenly Father has been doing this for all of our time and more. What a wonder to watch a soul make its journey.
And so, here near the end I see that it all worked out for her. There many rocky times and it was not easy. But it the end it really does work out. And so it will likely do so for me and for my family who I am constantly concerned about. We are in God's care, if we will be.
Yesterday, she was feeling down. I asked her what she was thinking. She said that she wishes she could do housework. I reminded her of all the work she has done all her life. It is ok that she rest now. She is a good person till the end, always wanting to do good.
She is napping now. She agreed to breakfast after her nap. And so I wait. Her back hurt today so I gave her a little rub after changing. I just try to help her feel as best as she can physically and ease her mind with words of affirmation. Then there is lots of love and affection.
I gave a presentation in college (SFSU) about euthanasia, being against it. My closing statement was that caring with love for a person who cannot care for themselves is the highest quality of life we can experience, for both the person being cared for and the caregiver. I did not know I would be live it one day. More than then I know this to be true. Quality of life is not just measure by what we can or can't do individually. Quality of life involves other people, and how we experience love and peace together.
1/9-1/15
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